The Elephant in the Room

What could possibly be the elephant in the room?  Yeah, that would be me.

At well over 200 lbs, I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life.  Hell, I haven't seen below 200 since shortly after my first child was born.  I went back to Jenny Craig, lost some weight, didn't learn crap and gained it all back.  And then some.  After my second was born, I tried Weight Watchers.  We had meetings at the office.  I could track using a handy dandy app on my phone.  It would be so easy, right?  WRONG!  I seriously got so sick of looking at food and instead of seeing a piece of pizza, I would see a big 9 in my head.  BTW, Papa John's pizza is so not worth 9 WW points.  Ick.

This weight has been, well, weighing on me.  I don't want to put on a bathing suit.  Chasing after 2 small children is becoming a challenge.  My cholesterol and glucose levels are up.  And let's not forget impact on my marriage.  I don't want to be naked in front of my husband because I'm ashamed of my body, which of course means I don't feel sexy which means no sexy time for Mommy and Daddy.  While I do believe that "sexy" is subject to interpretation, I just don't have the confidence in myself to pull off anything close to sexy.  I'm not shooting for swimsuit model here people, I just want to be comfortable in my skin.  While our intimate life has seen a recent rejuvenation and I'm starting to feel a little better in my skin, there are times I feel like that fleeting moment of confidence is fake and I will never get it back.

My weight has been an issue my entire life.  I was never the skinny girl at the pool when I was a kid.  I always felt like I was too big to try out for cheerleading or anything else.  I mean, who wants a 160#  fat girl as part of the pyramid when they could have a perky, petite blond who weighed 110?   I was always surprised when a boy liked me because I felt like I wasn't attractive.  I can't blame my Mother or anyone else for this.  Nobody gave me a complex about my weight growing up.  Well, maybe life in general did?  I mean, Barbie was likely the first offender, with her shiny blond hair, itty bitty waist, D cup boobs and perfectly waxed pubic area.

I have this old picture of me at a girlfriend's slumber party, it must be around 5th grade or so.  We are in the front yard and we made a pyramid.  When I look at that picture, I don't see the fun that I was having, I have zero memories of that night, all I see the big girl on the bottom because of course she can't get on someone else's back.  All the other girls are laughing and smiling and seem to ooze natural beauty, I often wonder how I even got invited to that party.  I hadn't even hit puberty people.  No boobs, no period, and yet I felt like I was less than these other girls.  Some of this might go back to my horribly dysfunctional relationship with my Dad but that needs a whole other blog to document.

Next week I start a medical weight loss program.  800 calories a day.  Group counseling, regular meetings with dieticians, group exercise, MEAL REPLACEMENTS, pedometer, journaling, the whole nine yards.  Did I mention meal replacements?  Like shakes and pudding and bars and such.  I can go with 100% meal replacements or I can do a mix.  I worry that a mix will hinder my success and kill my motivation, but I worry that 800 calories a day will make me Queen Bitch Supreme.  I had to be medically cleared to participate so labs and EKG are all good to go.  My MD is supportive and has even offered some prescription appetite suppressants if I feels it's getting to rough.  The husband, well, lets just say he's seen me make some half-baked attempts at weight loss before so he's going to have to wait and see.  In the meantime I've been walking at least 3-4 times a week, we got a treadmill to use on those insanely hot days (like today) and while I'm not seeing major improvement on the scale, the fact that my lab work has improved and I don't have the same muscle aches after walks as I did a month ago show that it's working.

So that's the elephant in the room, Me.  Hopefully at the end of all this, I can play Zumba on the Wii and not shake the entire house.  Wouldn't that be nice?