Why Now?

I'm in trouble.  My marriage is in trouble.  My family is in danger of falling apart.  I have to do something.

I will start with my marriage.  Things weren't good.  I say they weren't good, not "aren't good" because they are improving.  Like every wife, I wish he would see what needs to be done around the house.  And like every husband, he wishes I would put out daily.  Over time, resentment and anger build and before you know it, we're two strangers, living under the same roof.  Sharing a bed but feeling miles apart.  Intimacy felt forced and obligatory.  The passion we once had was gone.  My husband had talked separation a couple times but I felt that separation over something as insignificant as sex was ridiculous.  I could put out a 2-3 times a week.  Right?  I mean, who doesn't love scheduled, passionate-less sex?

Part of me wishes I had the financial ability and the balls to just get up and leave.  But I have children.  We are a family.  I'm not one to advocate staying with someone when you're miserable because your children will just pick up on that and it's a bad situation all around.  But I love him.  When we're apart, it's like a part of me is missing.  I think my husband has just lost the woman he fell in love with and is wondering where she went.  Over the past 11+ years I have allowed things like weight gain, financial responsibilities, work and such get in the way.  They weigh on my mind, they distract me from my family, from my husband, from myself, from God. 

I want to use this blog to document my journey.  The journey to the person I know that I am.  I feel her, in there hiding, but she's afraid to come out.  Maybe it's the extra 70-80 lbs I've been dragging around that keeps her hidden.  Maybe she's quieted under the pressure of motherhood because other priorities have taken over.  Maybe it's the depression I've battled with off and on over the years.  Or maybe it's because Christ has kept her there, leading me on a journey, only for her to come out now, to help me when I need it most.

No matter the reason, she's fighting to get out and I'm going to do whatever I can to help her.  I owe her.  I owe my husband.  I owe my family.  I owe it to Christ.