What's in a Vow?

I was reading some random internet forum last night and the term "sexless marriage" kept coming up.  Sexless marriage. 

Is that even a thing?  I think the proper question is SHOULD that be a thing?  Looks like it is, at least according to Wikipedia.  A sexless marriage is a marriage in which little or no sex occurs between the two partners. The US National Health and Social Life Survey in 1994 (Laumann et al. 1994) found that 2 percent of the married respondents reported no sexual intimacy in the past year.

Holy crap!  I mean, I know I've struggled with intimacy in my marriage, due to a myriad of issues, but this?!

Then a wife had this to say about wedding vows:
 
I hate this notion that women have to be coddled- constantly complimented, wooed, pursued to be made to feel attractive, yet also left alone for "me time" and "woman time" in order for her to be a contributing member of her marital relationship. NO. You get married, you say vows, which include forsaking all others. The implication being, you're forsaking them FOR ME. Not FOR NOTHING. Sorry, I think sex and intimacy in a marriage is each spouse's right. Women shouldn't have to have their feet kissed and all their changing whims met on a daily basis for their husbands to feel like they've "earned" sex. 

As I've been working through intimacy struggles in my marriage,  I have to say I agree with this post, to a point.  When I got married, I committed myself to my husband, and him to me.  Part of that deal included sex.  I love having sex with him.  Now.  I didn't always.  Let me rephrase.  It's not that I didn't enjoy sex, it's just getting in the right frame of mind was a significant challenge.  Once I got going, things were always enjoyable.  


So many of us get caught up in the anger and resentment of married life.  "He didn't help me pick up the house, why should I do anything nice for him?"  And we keep a mental scorecard of everything our spouse did to upset us, going back to that list each time we even consider doing something nice for them.  


Is this the right way to live?  Is this what Jesus meant when he said Love One Another?  What about what God has to say regarding our bodies?  When you choose to marry, you do not own your body, your spouse does.  And likewise, they no longer own their body, you do.  We get so caught up in our own lives, in our own bodies, that we neglect to forget that our bodies were joined as one.  


And so I gave in.  Sex is no longer a chore to be done once or twice a week.  I now offer myself to my husband freely.  I am truly enjoying it and I'm quite certain he is as well.  I believe he was made with a need.  A need that I was made to fulfill.  While my house may be a bit more messy these days, my mind is a lot more clear.  And my heart, well it's never been as full as it is.  My cup truly does runneth over.  

 

Why Now?

I'm in trouble.  My marriage is in trouble.  My family is in danger of falling apart.  I have to do something.

I will start with my marriage.  Things weren't good.  I say they weren't good, not "aren't good" because they are improving.  Like every wife, I wish he would see what needs to be done around the house.  And like every husband, he wishes I would put out daily.  Over time, resentment and anger build and before you know it, we're two strangers, living under the same roof.  Sharing a bed but feeling miles apart.  Intimacy felt forced and obligatory.  The passion we once had was gone.  My husband had talked separation a couple times but I felt that separation over something as insignificant as sex was ridiculous.  I could put out a 2-3 times a week.  Right?  I mean, who doesn't love scheduled, passionate-less sex?

Part of me wishes I had the financial ability and the balls to just get up and leave.  But I have children.  We are a family.  I'm not one to advocate staying with someone when you're miserable because your children will just pick up on that and it's a bad situation all around.  But I love him.  When we're apart, it's like a part of me is missing.  I think my husband has just lost the woman he fell in love with and is wondering where she went.  Over the past 11+ years I have allowed things like weight gain, financial responsibilities, work and such get in the way.  They weigh on my mind, they distract me from my family, from my husband, from myself, from God. 

I want to use this blog to document my journey.  The journey to the person I know that I am.  I feel her, in there hiding, but she's afraid to come out.  Maybe it's the extra 70-80 lbs I've been dragging around that keeps her hidden.  Maybe she's quieted under the pressure of motherhood because other priorities have taken over.  Maybe it's the depression I've battled with off and on over the years.  Or maybe it's because Christ has kept her there, leading me on a journey, only for her to come out now, to help me when I need it most.

No matter the reason, she's fighting to get out and I'm going to do whatever I can to help her.  I owe her.  I owe my husband.  I owe my family.  I owe it to Christ.